Iris

I know my blood flows through your veins, and your soon to be four year old words still struggle for a meaning.....like your father
I don't expect for poetry to cross counties or make apologizes to cradle you through your nightmares
But I do still pray for arms that reach for miles to make shadow puppets on your walls that fight the evil blanket over the chair monster
Or at least to be able to hold you when I haven't seen you for months
But instead you're being raised by empty fingertips and broken promises
Restless nights and ignored responsibilities
The most precious thing on the face of the planet being drowned under tear drops and whiskey shots
And since I can't give you everything you deserve
I feel ashamed when I give you all I can
Because it still kills me every time I call you
"Hi sweetheart, it’s Daddy
No, this your other daddy, your real daddy"
The one that expected used guitar strings to mend together our broken home
The one that wasn't there because he had to chase his dreams every night with Lone Stars and cheap talk
All for a show in a dank hole in the wall once or twice a month where he could twist his cowardice through screams and amplifiers
And now everything is distorted and I can't just turn it off
I wrote a song to play for you at night but now it just hurts to sing it
Because I strum regrets so hard that my fingers bleed and my ears never stop ringing dissonance
I always wanted to be the cool musician parent but I've only become the blanket over the chair monster
A shadow that only lurks in the corners of your life
Always present but never really visible
An outline of what a man should be
A figment of a father who was blessed with a beautiful daughter but even with all these hopes in my heart, I can't materialize my convictions
I’m a ghost of pretty words without a real meaning and you’re discovering new ones every day
Soon you'll be big enough to actually hold a conversation, so what do I say when you ask why I'm not around
Or when you're 16 and you stab me with every excuse that fumbled its way out of my mouth
Even now your voice so distant on a phone line asks me "what are you doing Daddy"
And I don't know, sweetheart
I'm sorry, but I don't know
All I know is that I miss you terribly
And I've never felt anything worse than the day I woke up without you there
I'm the remains of a man that holds your love in his hands like a drunk
And I was never prepared, so since you were born I've been struggling to make myself man enough
I want you to know that you were never a mistake but I can't say the same for everything that I've done
So please.........please believe that I am trying to muster the strength to crush mountains, so you can walk on level plains