Friday, February 15, 2008

Love Letters

I ran out of words
My speech turned off cause it decided that I already gave it all that I've got and its about time I man up
And I need to make some kind of move because I can only speak in vowels now do something to me that I can't describe
Its like I'm back in elementary school searching the playground for you from my perch at the top of the slide
And you hide from me on purpose cause you just want me to chase you and graze your arm when I tag you
And you know what sugar, you're it
You're the one thats got me reciting rules and rhymes in our two door classroom
Reviewing every love letter that I stitch together making sure I don't say something the wrong way
And I remember that its I before E except after seeing you the way you looked at me from my passenger seat
You got me wishing we were sitting in a tree........K I S S I N G
But the way you worked that tongue in my mouth reminds me that we're adults now and the thoughts that follow can only be catagorized with a letter that comes near the end of the alphabet
And I've never been so exhausted by just one kiss
When I was finally able to fight myself away from your lips we rested against each other panting like we'd just competed in the fucking Ironman tournament
It took years of cycling through the thoughts that ran in the back of my mind before this moment where I could swim through your eyes and fall over spent and content in front of your doorstep
Sprint to the end of your reflected smile for miles, hand over hand crawl through a waste land, just to get up and walk again to find the way to form words without my tongue tripping out of my mouth
And you might laugh at these guns but I've been working out a reasonable excuse to make the drive to you
I'm fully loaded, cocking the hammer to take another shot at your heart, and it might be just a shot in the dark
Cause they say that love is blind and it feels like you just turned off ALL the fucking lights
But I still feel you near me from the way you radiate like the moon
And I could be saying all of this waaaay too soon, but I can't stop thinking about you
I know you're in another city now and maybe if I cross my fingers and close my eyes you could hear me somehow
Cause when everything stopped and you wanted to crawl into my head to pull out what was getting caught
I was just trying to find a way to say.....
That I'm madly in love with you
And I know you lost your wings long ago but if you can find your way to my doorstep I can learn to sew your feathers back on
And I'll hold you with the strength that the dirt grips your toes
Because even the Earth knows that you're far too beautiful to ever let go

Sunday, February 10, 2008

18 Years

18 Years
18 Years
18 Years of every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night
18 Years of searching
18 Years of believing that you could be lurking behind every impure thought I ever had
18 Years
Those wooden church pews have indentions from my arms, kneeling over them praying for a sign, hoping that you would talk back when I spoke to you in my mind
18 Years of nothing
Nothing but a family tree that was cut down by my forefathers to be reconstructed as a cross
Generations that nailed themselves into a legacy because they devoted their lives to a one sided mind in fear of an eternity of flames
A heritage of forgotten names that did nothing significant in their lives because they only worshipped you and worked just enough to survive
And I'm a disappointment to them, because I can't see a reason to follow the same path with mine
I'm tired of the division between my parents and I because we can't see eye to eye on a specter of faith, a ghost that only manifests itself between the lines of dusty Bibles and worn out hymnals, a scarlet letter burned into my forehead by my family members because they've been taught that a measure of a man can be answered in one question
Do you believe in God?
And if for no other reason than the sake of being fully accepted by my parents
I want to believe
I want to believe
I want to fucking believe
They remind me that I don't have see the wind to know it exists, I can feel it
But I don't feel you
I just feel bad
I feel bad for everything that I can actually see
I feel bad for every broken home and father that beat their daughter as she cried out to you asking for it to stop
Every rapist that invaded a woman's body because he didn't have the standard human decency to know that it was wrong
Every television channel that I turn on to see another story of a student that brought a gun to school and shot five of his classmates, painting over the academic plaques and football trophies that line the hallways with their blood
And the countless other murders that just occurred in the time that it took for me to bring that up
I want to believe
I want to believe that you didn't just create mankind so you could watch it fall apart
I want to believe that you can hear this, the closest thing I've had to a prayer in the last 7 years
Our Father who art in heaven, show me how to believe
Cause my father who is on earth can’t look me in the eyes without questioning what he sees
But I’m right here
You hear me?
25 Years now and I’m still right here
Still the trembling little boy on his knees begging for my fathers to accept me
Either show me your wrath or bless me with your presence
I’m telling you to kill me or fill me with this holy spirit I’ve only heard about
I’ve open my eyes as wide as I can and stared into your silent void until I almost went blind
Now I’m asking for you for the millionth time to give me the fucking sign
25 Years now
25 Years

Saturday, February 9, 2008


This is your skin
This is your skin against me
And this is the reaction to something as simple as a hug that lasted too long cause we needed to feel our bodies pressed together
And I was just a skeleton in your closet that crawled out into your parking lot to move to the rhythm of your nervous heart beat and the possibilities of how your presence can flesh out these bones into something real
Something true
Something that could be waiting for me everyday that I could come home to
But metaphors don't do justice to anything I'd want to say
All I could do is grab you and put everything I have into my lips to try to push his kiss out of the way
And I don't want to step on toes, but its hard not to when I dance with your image all day
Come rest your head and let me capture you in my rib cage, cause for the last five years there has been a vacant spot since I let you walk out
Lying placid in my indifference, hollow, and completely absent minded
I couldn’t view beyond the interior of my own eyelids to see what I was missing
But as I stand here naked in my regret, the weight of the past sits directly on my chest
I feel it almost cave in, with the heavy sighs that erupt from my diaphragm
Echoing with the memory of your eyes that pry into my own, pristine hazel tones, that vibrate through my mind every second till its the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night
I need to deconstruct your frame and rebuild it, so I can know every inch of your insides
Every part of your body, Every hill and valley, Every imperfection that makes you radiate as a whole
Every human piece that reminds me of what I wake up for
What I could wake up to
I need to fall in love with every bit of your form
I could drive to you and wait outside your door every night for an answer with the sound of footsteps like earthquakes thundering behind a wooden barrier
They tremble in the same motion that my nerves ripple through my limbs
I could cast shadows that blanket you in your bed and work their hands under the small of your back reminding you that you don't have to fall so fast
Cause I've waited
I've waited
And I'm still waiting to give you these bones so I could linger in your flesh