Rick and Donna

I'm pre heating the oven for a pizza when I see my upstairs neighbors, Rick and Donna, walking their dog in the back lot
Rick and Donna, the perfect little poster children for twenty something love
Rick and Donna, golden athletic statues with the perfectly groomed little dog
Models for the sappiest fucking magazine cover you've ever had the opportunity to gag over
I fucking hate them
I hear them having glorious sex right over my ceiling almost every night
I can hear their bed posts grinding trenches into their hardwood floor
Rick pounding her as if HER life depended on it, like her vagina was dying and he was giving it CPR
And he always laughs when he comes
This exhausted, "I can't believe I just came that hard" kind of laugh
The "I can't believe the sex is that fucking good" kind of laugh
The sound of it just bleeds down into my bedroom below
And I start hearing the "you don't even remember what this feels like anymore" kind of laugh
I hear the "hows that hand working out for you" kind of laugh
I hear the exaggerated last chuckle of Rick as he rolls off her sweat drenched body echo around my empty walls
Donna just lying motionless, glistening with liquid sex shimmering off her Olympic abs
Both of them sporting carefree bed suave hair styles that say "I just had an orgasm like a prison riot"
I fucking hate them
Just one night I'd like to replace the cries of pleasure as two lovers satisfy each other in every way they desire
Instead I want to hear dishes being thrown, obscenities being shouted, and open palms meeting the gruff terrain of Rick's rugged poster boy cheek
I want to hear doors slamming, and sirens approaching while the smoke alarm is going off
I want to walk outside in my robe with a cup of coffee just in time to see the dog run out with his ass end on fire while Donna chases him with a blanket and tries to put him out
And Rick stumbles outside naked hacking up a lung with bottles of creatine and protein shakes wedged between his beefy arms
Donna bellowing about her neuvo plush couch being ruined while Rick's using a copy of Meathead magazine to cover up his shrived little cock
And still arguing, all the while, beautiful hate fulled arguing while I take another sip and breathe it in before the cops show up to work out this whole mess
After which I walk into my bedroom with a huge shit eating grin because I can finally jerk off without any jealous disdain and sleep for the next two fucking days
And I laugh hysterically to myself
When my roommate comes into the kitchen to find out what is so goddamn funny
And I realize I've just been staring at them for the last ten minutes when he asks me if I know that the oven is on