Monday, December 17, 2007

Things You Need to Understand Before You Date Me

Things you need to understand before you date me:
The stereo in my car is the stereo in MY car, which means that I control what we listen to while we're in it
This of course means that you can have full dictatorship over the musical selection in your vehicle, however I still reserve the right to pout silently in the passenger seat
While I probably won't be listening to your favorite band I will attempt to find something that you might enjoy, but if you decide to torture me in your car with Ani Di Franco or anything in the weekly top 40, expect to hear the most brutal death metal ever the next time you sit down in mine
Now there's only one volume level on my speakers, and that's as loud as fucking possible, if you even entertain the thought of trying to turn it down I suggest you say something to me first, so that I may pull over and provide you the opportunity to leave on your own free will
Otherwise, godspeed, sweetheart, and remember its best to tuck and roll
If I actually like you a lot and you manage to decrease the volume while remaining in the car, realize that while the music will dissipate, the level at which I'm singing will not
Most likely I'll also begin to sing as horribly as possible, until you relent from my off key audio assault and turn the music back up
In the case that you have something to say, unless its "Oh god, my appendix is about to burst", there is no need to interrupt me in the middle of Love Gun
You can wait till the end of the song
Now trust is an integral part of any relationship and you should understand that my trust is both conditional and situational
Meaning that as long as the conditions of the situation that you find yourself in is nothing I should be concerned about, then we'll be just fine
However, if you are one of the kinds of girls that likes to get black out drunk in clubs filled with frat guys that take shots from between your tits, then you can back that ass up and out my fucking door
It is also very important that you know where you want to eat, or at least be able to provide suggestions of things you would enjoy, not just a list of what you DON'T want
Because this isn't a crime investigation where we need to eliminate suspects, I'm fucking hungry, and if you can't pick something, we're going to get a big fat greasy meat burger with extra meat and a side of meat where you can't complain because of all the meat in your mouth
Moving on, when evening finds us completely exhausted from bringing you to climax repeatedly, and we actually go to sleep, I don't want find a leg in my hip or an elbow in my back as you try to push me off the face of the map
Cause bedtime is sometimes like playing Risk, and if I'm forced to huddle up in Australia its only a matter of time before my forces build and I sweep the board
But most importantly......I'm going to compliment and kiss you more than you ever have been before
And every time your lips meet mine you're going to know that there's nowhere else I'd rather be, because hell if you can manage to put up with me, then you deserve to be treated like a queen
And as long as you can give what you get, then that's more than enough to keep me happy


katie cowden said...

sing-a-longs are one of my favorite things about going to puroslam. also poking sleeping people.

Steph said...

Things You Need To Accept As You Date Me…

The stereo in YOUR car is a piece of shit, which means the only thing you control is the silence that ensues if I refrain from reviving your precious audio device.

This of course means that I have already broken one of your golden rules, and as I have no vehicle of my own, you also lose any previously mentioned rights to pout…silently or not.

You rarely listen to my favorite bands, but you do on occasion make reasonable attempts to find things I can withstand. And it is crucial to point out at this time that your empty threats to bombard my eardrums with ‘brutal death metal’ pass right through me leaving no scars, as I strongly adhere to the adage: "If it ain’t metal, it ain’t music baby!"

Let’s move on to the issue of volume control. You apparently like me more than ‘a lot’ because I don’t have to touch the dial, rather you do it on your own in hopes I will repeat myself when I’ve spoken too softly. Might I add that these exchanges occur in the MIDDLE of whatever song happens to be playing while my appendix remains completely intact.

So sweetie, it appears that you’ll have to find another reason to boot me from your moving vehicle… Just know that if you do choose to kick me to the curb, I’m taking your electric tape with me.

Now, I’m with you on the issue of trust, and while you and I may not have the purest of beginnings I’m willing to leave the life I’ve known to start completely over, and hopefully that’s enough to earn your trust in my feelings for you.

Besides, you won’t find me in any clubs without you by my side, and my tits are too fucking small to take shots from but you’re welcome to try. Just make sure you always return the favor and don’t let your ego lead your beard to another girl’s thighs.

Speaking of eating…I’ve given up the battle of sharing what I want because you always crave something of a completely opposite ‘food genre,’ and rather than listening to you complain about the distance or watching you poke hopelessly at your plate I find it more appetizing to follow your suggestion…especially if it involves mouthfuls of meat…

Which inevitably leads me to your bedroom and the activities we may find ourselves frequently engaged in. While I worship the wicked things you inflict upon my body I also cherish my sleep and thus, if you wake with a wish to rob me of my slumber you’d better be prepared to follow through with enough force to send me blissfully back to unconsciousness.

So…by now I hope you’re not rethinking your plans to sweep me off my feet because there’s no other place I’d rather be than by your side, raising my bottle of water to your can of beer in a toast to the most unlikely pair of sexy motherfuckers this world could ever hope to be prepared for.