Sunday, November 18, 2007

HPV

Dear God of Modern Medical Advances and Health care Innovations,

Fuck you
I suppose you must be pretty proud of yourself
After all you have been quite busy lately
Most noticeably in the object of my unquenchable desire that I just so happen to frequent my evenings with
Evenings that just meld into one another
Evenings that are so fantastic that they flood into the following day
Evenings filled with slow kisses, gentle caresses, flirty eyes, intertwined body parts, and gritting my teeth from the fact that I can't put my hoo hoo in her haa haa because of your wondrous gift to women of the world
Otherwise known as the HPV shot
You so expertly produced it for the prevention of cervical cancer and the rapid deterioration of my sexual sanity
So two big thumbs up on that one, chief
Cause let me tell you, there ain't nothing I love more in this world than ordering a prime cut T-bone steak and having a Big Mac show up on my plate
And I guess that I can't really complain because the chef is so fucking hot that I'll take anything she gives me with a big shit eating grin on my face
However I am this close to running back into the kitchen and sweeping everything off that prep table
And in the middle of that maelstrom of lettuce, onions, pickles, special sauce, and sesame seed buns swirling around us like uncontrollable vortex of passion, I'm going to pull out my secret ingredient and show her how to bake my sex in her love oven
But right whenever we're about to start cooking you have to step in and remind us that she has to pre-heat..........until September
So this 9/11 while everyone is mourning a horrific American tragedy that no doubt has scarred the image of security and freedom in this entire country
Leaving shock waves of fear and paranoia in the hearts of our general populace
I'm going to spread open her twin towers and blow my airliner right through them
Alright, I might have stepped over a line with that one, but you make me more concerned than a Jew in an enormous German shower stall
Maybe one of these days I'll thank you because the lack of completely lust filled interactions has made me appreciate what an amazing person she is even more
But until that time comes
I point my perpetually erect middle finger
Directly at you

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