Sunday, November 18, 2007

It Just Never Happened

There's something that basically happens naturally in every one's life, usually when they're a blossoming adolescent
And after that first bliss fulled occasion most people enjoy it many times over in their life
Some freaks even become addicted to it, and start doing abnormal things to increase the pleasure it brings, like wearing costumes and performing with accessories because that's apparently what gets those weirdos off
Now don't get me wrong, aside from those misfits, I absolutely love it
And if you ever gave me just one quiet evening alone I would fill you with the immense joy that it brings
However, at this point in my life I've somehow managed to date three different girls that have never experienced it
And it was still as shocking the second and even the third time I heard that it just hasn't happened for that specific girl
Of course, my first question is always "why not?"
Then they would give me a response like "I've just never had the desire for it"
Its at that exactly moment when my jaw would spring open, releasing the words that had been arming themselves behind my lips like Roman soldiers preparing for battlement
I would let loose with that epic statement that would stop all the action in the room as if time were a beast with two heads and normally flies, but in that instant it landed on our table holding itself perfectly still while glaring into our souls with both pairs of its eyes
In this day and age its pretty much part of growing up, as if it were cinema puberty
Its like this you get born, crawl, walk, talk, run, school, Star Wars, acne, awkward sex, drugs, finals, senior trips, clumsy sex, Star Wars, graduate, drunken sex, work, bills, pretty sure you rocked her world though she doesn't agree sex, Star Wars, bills, bills, bills, bills, pills so you can get it up sex, Star Wars, get way too fucking old, and death
After which you either become part of the light side or the dark coming full circle as prophesied in the Star Wars
So if there are any ladies out there that share this same affliction that my previous girlfriends have had
I'm strongly advising you to get a fucking Blockbuster card and rent the goddamn movie
Hell, you can even come over to my place, I own a fucking copy
We'll get some beer and some chips and experience it the classic way........VHS, on a shitty 19 inch TV hooked up to a Montgomery Ward boombox WITH bass boost
You can actually feel that shit, kind of
Then you too will sing its praises and when you come into my bedroom which decorated in a mock up of Jabba the Hutt's lair , you definitely won't mind wearing the Princess Leia slave costume complete with chains while we have the nastiest sex you could imagine and when you scream my characters name you say, "Han Solooo god your light saber is so big"
And then I whisper in your ear........well baby its because I have a high midochlorine count
Then the moment I'm done working my Boba Fett in and out of your sarlac pit I pull out and "accidentally" unleash the power of the force in your jedis
But for the love of everything good and holy don't just tell me you'll "try" to watch it
Because in the words of one of the most prolific figures in the history of the universe,
"Do or Do Not, There is No Try"

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